But This Is Only In My Head, Of Course

“They don’t do it the way they used to,” I mutter to myself

I rip the bedsheets into uneven halves

Tearing each thread with everything I have left

But this is only in my head, of course

For I am too mild for anger

Yet too harsh for joy

I’m actually at the edge of my bed

And I don’t want to be the mess I always am

I still can’t get it right

I still can’t crack the code

I still don’t do it the way I used to

I never could, anyways

But this is only in my head, darling

Of course it is.

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Denim

Just like the cool kids

I quiver with time

Finding the circle

I step on my denim

And fall to my shoes

And then I turn back

I’d like to give due credit for this piece to “1979”, the beautiful ode to youth by the evergreen Smashing Pumpkins. As time fades, so does our youth, but never our denim.

Plain

on a plain

where i lay

in your way-

i wish i never was

walk – it – back

i better walk it back

and hold it in

and never let it

“i only take up a little of the collapsing space /

i better cut this off /

don’t wanna fuck it up”

– on the song walk it back by the national, off the album sleep well beast. i strongly, strongly resonate.

Caution

a spinoff;

like a preliminary tale

to which caution will sway

but never swing

Falls

it all falls

right into the cracks

as if the claustrophobia

feels just right

d o s e s

maybe that’s why rationing one’s delusions

makes for a pleasant escape;

in the way that it simply creates reality

just in more ingestible doses

Illusions

i inch 

towards the line

that’s a fucking illusion, anyway. 

They Simply Don’t, Sweetie

you were wrong about

the stars, sweetie

they don’t last

nothing does, anyway.

 

I guess I’m back here, simply because once again, I feel like my life is killing me.

Never

ploughing through shoulders

to taking your tiles

sipping my lies

one pill at a time

the truths i betray

and the names i forsake

all to be

what i’ll never make